


Secrets

by CircusFreakVi



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 07:58:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15945092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CircusFreakVi/pseuds/CircusFreakVi
Summary: Kaoru knew what those wounds were from. How had he not been caught sooner? Why had it been Kaoru to find this out and not someone else? It might have hurt less if it had been anyone else. “Kaoru…”





	Secrets

Finally, a day off from school had come around. Kyoya could lay in bed all day and revert back to his usual state away from the public. He could sleep all day and blame it on being exhausted from a hard week in school and not from this crippling depression telling him there was no point in doing anything. The only thing that got him out of bed during the week was the overwhelming anxiety telling him he will never succeed and will amount to nothing if he didn’t just get out of bed and do his work in school. Of course, the anxiety still affected him during his days off, but he pushed it back into his brain and tried to just deal with it. Sometimes it was possible. Other times, not so much.

Today, however, the sun shone in through the blinds on his sliding glass door right next to his bed. He didn’t need the anxiety and stress to shake him awake. But whether he needed it or not, it still came around and poked at him like kids trying to wake an angry bear with a stick. A date had been scheduled today; a date between himself and his boyfriend, Kaoru. The one day he’d get to stay in bed and he couldn’t do that.

This always happened.

He’d make plans with someone and be happy with them. He would be excited, even, to go through with this plans later. But, no matter who it was these appointments were made with, Kyoya would dread them when the day came. It was like the eerie voice in his sick brain would tell him it would all go to shit and he might as well cancel. He might as well play like he was sick. But he couldn’t do that today. He couldn’t do that to this boy who seemed to be helping him a little. Kaoru was so good for him and he had no right to let Kaoru down like that.

So he sucked it up. Kyoya pulled himself out of bed, no matter how badly he just wanted to avoid everything by curling up under the sheets again. He had already woken up later than he was supposed to. It was already half past eleven and he had yet to shower and brush his teeth. Kyoya pulled it together, though, and he stalked down the steps in his room and to the dressers on the first level. The outfit he chose was blindly picked from the drawers, not much thought was given to them. Black pants with a casual button-up shirt. It was grey. Neutral and faded, even his clothes seemed to reflect the way he felt about the world. Indifferent and foggy.

After a hot shower and a poor attempt at making his hair look neater than the bedhead he had earlier, Kyoya grabbed his phone to see if he had gotten anything. Not surprisingly, he had. Texts from Tamaki, mostly, but one text from Kaoru that was sent at nine. It was simple; a good morning text similar to every other good morning text he had received from this new love of his. If you could even call it that. Their date was set for one in the afternoon at Kyoya’s home. Nothing too extravagant. It could hardly be called a date, really, they were just lounging around with each other. They had just wanted a lazy day together.

He texted back; another good morning text only this was sent a quarter past twelve. Kyoya wondered if it was too late to cancel. That gnawing urge in his brain made it hard not to just send something about feeling sick. He put his phone down, though. He felt empty and unmotivated to do anything.

There was always a way to cope with that deadening feeling. Sure, it wasn’t healthy, but it worked. The pain was a better feeling than feeling nothing at all and he could do anything to bring this feeling unto himself. Digging his nails into his skin, dragging a blade across his flesh in all sorts of places, punching into his leg when frustrated. There were little things he could do and he’d done them. It had become an addiction. How was it he had never been found out at this point? He didn’t have time to think about that, though. If Kyoya let his mind wander, he’d find himself too deep in thought over it to be able to focus on the younger twin. He couldn’t let himself get like that with Kaoru over. He couldn’t, he couldn’t he couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

Kyoya had to focus on something, anything, to keep from falling down the rabbit hole. In order to keep from tipping over an edge he’d been inching closer to day by day, he decided he’d try and pick up his already clean room. His brain was fuzzy as he made his way back into his room, floaty as he picked up any trash around the room. Empty water bottles that sat by his bed were tossed in the trash and any dust was wiped away until he heard knocking at his door. Before he knew it, it was fifteen past one and Kaoru was coming over. That floaty and tired feeling slowly lifting as he went and opened the door. 

A smile and a chaste kiss on the lips brought Kyoya back down to Earth. They sat on the couch and Kaoru leaned on the elder teen. His rested on Kyoya’s shoulder and Kyoya swore he could breathe again. 

“I like this,” Kaoru muttered after several minutes of suffocating silence. “I like being here with you. It’s so quiet and calming. Don’t you think?” Calming to Kaoru, a space for anxious overthinking to Kyoya. 

The red-headed boy glanced up at Kyoya, golden hazel meeting glassy silver-tones eyes. Those amber eyes pulled the oxygen out of Kyoya’s lungs and all he could think about was how they could comfort him. He nodded slowly, unable to find the words to speak but fully able to find enough sense to lean in for another kiss. This one was longer, sweeter. This kiss was a thank you that was understood by both of the boys. 

Small kisses like these showed each boy how grateful they were for each other. Kisses, hand holding, gentle touches on faces and shoulders; they were all little signs to tell they loved each other without actually saying it. They didn’t need to say it.

Their kiss soon separated and Kaoru went back to resting his head on Kyoya’s shoulder. His and Kaoru’s fingers were laced together and he watched as the younger male’s thumb ran over his knuckles. That calming feeling Kaoru had spoken about just moments earlier washed over Kyoya in this relieving wave. Numbness morphed into contentment. He may not have been fully happy but at least he felt something other than nothing or pain. He felt free. He felt free with his boyfriend as silence filled the room again. They were comfortable on the couch together, sat in quietness as the Earth felt still. Everything felt calm and okay. 

After a while, Kaoru shifted. His hand slithered from Kyoya’s but the elder hadn’t thought of it. He hadn’t thought of it until his hand snaked around his waist, brushing a few bruises and new marks. Pain and soreness were two different things, two different reactions from Kyoya. Regrettably, Kyoya felt relief with pain. It was truly addictive for him. Soreness caused him to flinch, however. That flinch caught Kaoru’s attention, brought those amber eyes back to steel. Instead of admiration, Kyoya saw a strong hint of concern. “You okay?” He asked. So simple and short but the weight in his voice was heavy. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” Kyoya found his voice, as collected as always. It was eerily easy for him to lie like that to Kaoru. But it didn’t go undetected. Whether Kyoya was relieved by the fact or worried, he wasn’t sure. 

It was obvious in those fiery eyes that Kaoru didn’t believe it. The way his lips turned down in an unconvinced frown and his brows knit together, Kyoya just knew he didn’t believe him. Anything more that Kyoya could do simply felt as if he was challenging Kaoru and he couldn’t do that. “No, you’re not.”

The words cut through brief silence while also cutting through Kyoya like a knife. 

“Seriously, what’s up? Are you hurt?” All Kyoya could do was shake his head, once again having the words stolen from his mouth. “Then you won’t mind if I check? After seeing your dad slap you in front of an entire party, I don’t want to just gloss over something like this.”

It was getting aggravating, frustrating, really. The way Kaoru was pressing this, it was almost like he was trying to rip the mask off of Kyoya’s face. It felt as if he was forcing that facade that no one else was allowed to see through away. That vexation showed as Kyoya rolled his eyes at the request. “No. Trust me, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not, show me.” Kaoru wasn’t letting up and it became even more apparent as he reached for Kyoya’s shirt. He had grabbed a hold of the fabric and the action had Kyoya’s heart beating so fast, he thought it’d burst in his chest. The elder tried grabbing at the smaller wrists but he could only do so much as his skin was shown. Fleshy pink scars that formed little hills on his skin and some new marks creating craters could be seen. It was like Kyoya was underwater. He felt like the wind was knocked out of him. 

Those eyes, so happy and bright moments ago, were darkened and disappointed. Kaoru clearly knew what those wounds were from. How had he not been caught sooner? Why had it been Kaoru to find this out and not someone else? It might have hurt less if it had been anyone else. “Kaoru-” He tried to say something but he didn’t know what he was trying to say. An apology, maybe?

Kaoru sighed softly and Kyoya was sure he was going to get an ear-full. Instead, he was met with one question. “When did this start?”

He shrugged in response, still unsure of what to say. Kyoya opened his mouth to try and say something but struggled. It was as if he couldn’t breathe and Kaoru seemingly understood just how scary this had become for Kyoya. He felt Kaoru’s arms wrap around his waist again, a little more gentle this time. He felt the younger twin’s face buried into his neck and heard him sigh. They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other tightly. 

“I love you, okay,” Kaoru muttered. Kyoya didn’t feel much but he registered a bit of shock. “You shouldn’t be doing this to yourself, you don’t deserve it. And it hurts me to see this from you.” His voice was soft and soothing and Kyoya closed his eyes. He just needed this right now. 

Kaoru was really good for Kyoya.


End file.
